This is the time of year when classic Christmas songs are everywhere. You might find them to be lovely moodsetters for the holidays. Or, simply white Christmas noise. Or, you might want to tear your ears off or commit other acts of violence just to Make. Them. Stop.
But does anyone really listen to them? Closely? If you do, you’ll quickly notice that the lyrics are really weird. They are so weird that if you’re like me, which I hope for your sake you are not, listening to Christmas songs fills your mind with distracting questions. For instance: Did the person who originally recorded ‘Deck the Halls’ actually forget the second and fourth verses? How and where are Bob Tail’s bells attached? Does Bob wince when they ring? Since when is “Holly” an adjective?
Anyway, how well have you been listening? To help you find out, Funny Times has created a quiz to measure the Christmas-lyric retention abilities of my readers. Try the quiz and let me know how you do!
1. Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had …”
□ Severe eczema
□ A very shiny nose
□ Numerous revenge fantasies
2. “It’s beginning to look a lot like…”
□ A paternity suit
□ This will be our last time skydiving together
3. “I saw mommy kissing..”
□ Santa Claus
□ Uncle Todd
□ The UPS guy
4. “Can you see what I see?…”
□ No, your big head is in the way
□ Glistening in the snow, don’t you know
□ Yes! A huge dark mass undulating toward us through the water!
5. “Now bring me some…”
□ Figgy pudding
□ Figgy fruitcake
6. “Feliz Navidad…”
□ Prospero año y felicidad
□ Se necessita una poca de gracia
□ El es Bob Esponja!
7. “You better watch out, you better not cry”
□ Or I’ll give you something to cry about
□ You better not pout, I’m telling you why
□ Because German Shepherds can sense fear
8. “Deck the halls with boughs of holly…”
□ Fa la la la la, la la la la
□ Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da
9. “Don we now…”
□ Or don we later, I don’t really care
□ Our gay apparel
□ Our jolly stockings
10. “Chestnuts roasting, on an open fire…”
□ Jack Frost nipping at your nose
□ The Easter Bunny gnawing at your kneecap
□ The Tooth Fairy chomping on your chin
11. “Although it’s been said, many times, many ways…”
□ Merry Christmas to you
□ Happy Holidays to you
□ I think we should see other people
Well, how many did you get right? Check your score below:
8 to 11 correct: You are a dentist who secretly yearns to be a Christmas elf.
4 to 7 correct: You hang stockings from your mantle, but they’re fishnet stockings.
Less than four correct: Your heart is two sizes too small.